Have you ever seen a gold plated chainsaw or machine gun before? How about a Louis Vuitton sawed-off shotgun or electric chair?

Gallery 1988 (Los Angeles) recently showcased some of Peter Gronquist’s unique art.

At first I scoffed at these “designer weapons,” but then I realized how poignant these pieces really are…

The Revolution Will Be Fabulous

A “Weapons of Mass Designer” show

1. Chanel RPG

2. Prada rifle

3. Fendi chainsaw

4. Louis Vuitton sawed-off shotgun

5. Versace machine gun

6. Louis Vuitton electric chair

7. Darth Vader grenade

8. Jesus cross rifle

www.petergronquist.com

While I consider people who spend $261,000 on designer handbags to be quite ridiculous, I believe that killing people for oil is even more obscene. These designer weapons beg the question: is there that much of a difference between the two?

Cash Rules Everything Around Me, C.R.E.A.M.
Get the money, dollar dollar bill y’all

The Darth Vader grenades (Darth ‘Nader) crack me up, but my favorite pieces are the Fendi chainsaw and the Jesus rifle.

Deforestation is an issue that shouldn’t be ignored, as our tropical forests are being destroyed at an alarming rate. Much of what remains is in the Amazon rain forest, but 20% of the land there has been destroyed over the past 40 years alone, and another 20% will be lost over the next 20 years. Here is a great National Geographic article on deforestation in the Amazon. However, I just found this Greenpeace “Golden Chainsaw” article from 2005, which makes me question Gronquist’s originality.

Original or not, choosing to use a depiction of Jesus on the cross in conjunction with a rifle is a bold move. However, I believe that organized religion (just like capitalism) can be very evil & dangerous, so I like it. Religious violence happens every day all around the world, so the Jesus cross rifle (which sold for $3 K) is quite symbolic indeed. Hidden bonus video! The lovely Erica Campbell firing weapons: http://rapidshare.com/files/105412011/actiongirls.com-ericacampbell-firepower.rar.html

by Mike Kenny

It’s about time that I let you in on a little secret. Dwayne Schintzius is the inspiration behind this whole, darned operation. The very idea of “Classic Card of the Week” was modeled around the notion that someday – when I felt I was adequately ready to do so – I would break down these very cards. But unforeseen challenges lie ahead.

For starters, our Dwayne Schintzius collection was always lying around the office somewhere, never more than a few footsteps away, nestled next to some coffee-stained newspapers and two-month old cream cheese. But, when I finally felt confident enough to take on the magnificence you see above (I have been training for months now, eating raw eggs and typing with my knuckles)…BAM!…they were gone. Suddenly and unjustly, like the NBA Hall of Fame in Springfield, MA, Dwayne Schintzius was nowhere to be found.

What was a man to do? I searched high and low, with no results. Through utter carelessness, I had managed to lose the Holy Grail of ridiculous sports cards. I didn’t know if I could go on. I arrived at work one day last week with full intentions of calling it quits. I couldn’t focus anymore, not without Schintzius. But then, a beacon of light appeared through my office door, and lying on top of my keyboard were the two Dwayne Schintzius cards, in all of their glory! It was a Festivus miracle! I screamed, “I’ll never lose you again, Dwayne Schintzius!” and we celebrated with cocktails and finger foods. Now I don’t know who, exactly, found Schintzius and brought him back into my life – no one at the office claims responsibility. But I’ll tell you this much: I’m a believer. In Santa Claus. That guy gets it.

Dwayne Schintzius, 1991-92 Upper Deck

Of course, just finding Dwayne Schintzius was only half the battle. Now that I had him, what was I going to say? What could I possibly say about a card where everything is already implied? I figured that the only person in the world who could even look at this card without being immediately flabbergasted by it was Dwayne Schintzius himself. And that’s when it came to me…

Dwayne Schintzius had never seen himself before. In his native land of Russia, where the average height is only 4’7”, the 7’2” Schintzius could never make eye contact with a mirror. And that’s if he was lucky enough to even be in the same room with a mirror, because mirrors were very expensive in Russia, and were actually deemed illegal under the Communist regime of Mikael Gorbachev, who himself was never made aware that he had a humongous glob on his forehead. Because they were government-owned, barbershops did not have mirrors, and for 20 long years, Dwayne Schintzius had been telling his barber, LeRoy, to “take a little off the sides, not so much in the back” without ever seeing the results.

Fast forward to the lay-up line of a late December matchup pitting the Spurs against the Mavericks. Schintzius had just completed a warm-up series of baby-hook shots that would inevitably be stuffed back down his throat during the actual game. He was casually returning to the San Antonio bench, as was his custom, when off in the distance, somewhere in the stands, a large mirror was being transported across the arena to replace the one that was broken in the luxury suite men’s bathroom, an accident that occurred when an irate Spurs executive realized that Dwayne Schintzius was on the Spurs. Not knowing what a mirror actually was, Schintzius quietly marveled at the humongous, mulleted phenom staring back at him. Then, growing increasingly upset, words were exchanged. Witnesses heard Schintzius have the following dialogue with the unsuspecting mirror:

“Yo, what’s your problem buddy? With your crazy mullet. Why you wearin’ my shirt? Why you…Wait a sec…(Tapping top of his head)…Holy shhh…”

The Upper Deck cameras, in what would later become Time Life’s Pulitzer Prize winning “Photo of the Year (1991),” captured the exact moment when 20-plus years of image-avoidance caught up with Dwayne Schintzius in one fell swoop. By his own admission, Dwayne Schintzius was shocked by what he saw.

In an awkward post-game locker room moment, Schintzius chastised various beat reporters for allowing him to leave the house in such a state, much less conduct public interviews. Probably most shocking of all to Schintzius was the realization that he was Caucasian. He blamed his parents for naming him “Dwayne,” which greatly added to his own, personal, misperceptions. Ironically, “Schintzius” is Russian for “Wade.”

Dwayne Schintzius’ locker room tirade, combined with the cost of one very expensive bathroom mirror, led to his demise as a San Antonio Spur. In the first ever trade that involved one unbelievably mulleted doofus for one robust guy who played basketball while wearing Blue Blockers, Dwayne Schintzius was traded to the Sacramento Kings for Antoine Carr in September of 1991. Advantage: Kings. Nobody in Sacramento had even seen defense like this before:

Dwayne Schintzius, 1991-92 Upper Deck

The story of Dwayne Schintzius is one of redemption. Instead of crawling into a humongous hole and hiding for several days, only to emerge with a shaved head and a pair of Nikes, Schintzius came to accept who he was. He said, “Hey, world! I’m Dwayne Schintzius. I am a seven-foot tall Russian who is actually from Florida, and I have the worst mullet in the history of the universe. Deal with it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to lace up my size 27 Converse and play some suffocating defense for the Sacramento Kings. That’s how I roll – Schintzius style.” In fact, Schintzius actually did what many thought was impossible, and ditched his coifed Aqua-Net part for a more apropos flattop. The results were, obviously, fantabulous.

Actual facts about Dwayne Schintzius (according to Wikipedia)
- He played the role of the “Russian player” in the 1996 Whoopi Goldberg movie “Eddie.”
- He accused former New Jersey Nets’ teammate Jayson Williams of killing his dog with a shotgun.
- He received an assault charge for attacking a car with a tennis racket.
- He was suspended by his college coach for refusing to get a haircut!
- These facts are all true. Seriously. I’m not kidding.

Interesting anecdotes about Dwayne Schintzius (according to nothing in particular)
- He is the equivalent of Fabio in Russia, where his image often graces the cover of trashy, Russian romance novels, such as “From Russia, With Lust.”
- Former Seattle Supersonics forward Detlef Schrempf claimed that Schintzius was “an inspiration to mullet-wearers everywhere,” and often marveled at the sheer volume of his peer’s extraordinary mane.
- Antoine Carr said, “Trying to replace Schintzius in San Antonio was like trying to squeeze a cantaloupe into a rooster’s behind.”

Did you know?
“Rolling Schintzius style” is now hip-hop terminology for trying to orchestrate a four-on-five fast break because the humongous, mulleted center on your team can’t make it back down the court quickly enough.
————————————————————————————————————————————————
Mike Kenny was born and raised in NJ, but recently moved to Arizona where he is now a contributing sports columnist to a weekly newspaper in Glendale. His blog — MikeKenny.blogspot.com — contains his weekly columns, other “stuff,” plus a wide array of more classic cards. Tell him what you think, or submit your own classic NBA card at: mkenny59@hotmail.com.
————————————————————————————————————————————————

I have separated them into groups for better comparison and added comments where I see fit.

Near the bottom, you’ll see a few special categories: Most Dunks per Game, Most Dunks by Rookies, Most Dunks by Players Over 30, Most Dunks by Players Under 6-4, Most Dunks by a Team, and Fewest Dunks by a Team.

125+ Dunks (#1 - 7)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
1 Dwight Howard 267
2 Amare Stoudemire 208
3 Tyson Chandler 192
4 Kenyon Martin 150
5 Andre Iguodala 137
6 Samuel Dalembert 135
7 Shawn Marion 130

D-Howard AKA SuperMan-Beast is an unstoppable force. Single-handedly, he had more dunks than 8 different teams. I’m sure that I speak for everyone when I say that we’d LOVE to see a dunk stat comparison between a young Howard and a young Shaq. Amare, Chandler, and Iguodala are probably going to be in the Top 5 for many years to come. The original K-Mart deserves some props for having a nice bounceback season. Remember, he had microfracture surgery and only played in 2 games last year. I imagine Marion has been in the Top 10 for the past 10 years.

100+ Dunks (#8 - 18)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
8 Carmelo Anthony 123
9 Ronnie Brewer 119
10 Emeka Okafor 117
11 Rudy Gay 114
12 LeBron James 109
13 Brendan Haywood 107
14 Josh Smith 106
15 Pau Gasol 104
16 Chris Wilcox 103
17 David Lee 102
18 Andrew Bogut 100

Ronnie Brewer cracking the Top 10 after barely playing last season is pretty impressive. Gay could easily crack the Top 5 one of these years. LeBron only had 109 dunks this season? Get the eff outta here! I’m seriously not going to believe this stat until I find another source (the statistical version of a 2nd medical opinion). Whoever coaches the Knicks next year, please give D. Lee more minutes!

80+ Dunks (#19 - 30)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
19 Shaquille O’Neal 97
20 Mikki Moore 96
21 Al Jefferson 95
22 Chris Bosh 92
23 Richard Jefferson 90
24 Andrew Bynum 88
25 Kevin Durant 87
26 Jason Maxiell 86
27 LaMarcus Aldridge 85
28 Kevin Garnett 84
29 Yao Ming 83
30 Kobe Bryant 80

Shaq still has enough left in the tank to outbest youngsters like Jefferson & Bosh. Bynum is #24 on this list, but he made the Top 5 using per game stats (see below). Maxiell is a beast and will crack the Top 20 soon enough. Yao missed 27 games, which has sadly become a trend. This year’s MVP is also one of the top guards on this list.

60+ Dunks (#31 - 51)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
31 Eddy Curry 78
32 Josh Childress 77
33 Jamario Moon 74
34 Maurice Evans 73
35 Joel Przybilla 73
36 Josh Boone 72
37 Erick Dampier 72
38 Vince Carter 71
39 Marvin Williams 71
40 Gerald Wallace 70
41 Al Horford 68
42 Monta Ellis 67
43 Lamar Odom 66
44 Kendrick Perkins 66
45 Marcus Camby 65
46 Caron Butler 61
47 Linas Kleiza 61
48 Sean Williams 61
49 Andris Biedrins 60
50 Carlos Boozer 60
51 Hakim Warrick 60

78 dunks for Curry isn’t bad, but he’s still wack! Przybilla cracking the Top 36 in under 24 mpg is pretty solid. Vince’s 71 has to be one of his all-time lows. Monta’s 67 slams blows his Under 6-4 competition out of the water (see below). Kleiza is an animal. Sean Williams barely played as a rookie and still cracked the Top 50.

40+ Dunks (#52 - 78)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
52 Jason Richardson 59
53 Andrei Kirilenko 57
54 Tyrus Thomas 57
55 Joakim Noah 55
56 Tayshaun Prince 54
57 Nick Collison 52
58 Ben Wallace 52
59 Carl Landry 51
60 Kevin Martin 51
61 Jeff Green 50
62 David West 50
63 Ronny Turiaf 49
64 Stromile Swift 48
65 Drew Gooden 47
66 Charlie Villanueva 46
67 Bonzi Wells 46
68 Tim Duncan 43
69 Tracy McGrady 43
70 Travis Outlaw 43
71 Brandon Bass 42
72 Luol Deng 42
73 Thaddeus Young 42
74 Chris Kaman 41
75 Al Harrington 40
76 Yi Jianlian 40
77 Mickael Pietrus 40
78 Leon Powe 40

Congrats to J-Rich for leading the league in threes made, but only 59 dunks is rather disappointing. Take it to the hoop! If D’ Antoni takes over in Chicago, Ty Thomas may finally be unleashed. 51 dunks for Landry is EXTREMELY impressive (see below). There’s a lot more emerging young talent in this group: Green, Outlaw, Bass, Young, Yi, Pietrus & Powe.

25+ Dunks (#79 - 110)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
79 Dwyane Wade 39
80 Andray Blatche 37
81 Mark Blount 37
82 Corey Maggette 37
83 Darko Milicic 37
84 Troy Murphy 37
85 Kris Humphries 36
86 J.R. Smith 36
87 Al Thornton 35
88 Jason Smith 34
89 Andrea Bargnani 33
90 Antonio McDyess 33
91 Nazr Mohammed 33
92 Julian Wright 32
93 Kwame Brown 31
94 Desmond Mason 31
95 DeSagana Diop 30
96 Ron Artest 29
97 Reggie Evans 29
98 Amir Johnson 29
99 Danny Granger 28
100 Jermaine O’Neal 28
101 Renaldo Balkman 27
102 Jeff Foster 27
103 Rashard Lewis 27
104 Bostjan Nachbar 27
105 Rasheed Wallace 27
106 Lou Williams 27
107 Dan Gadzuric 26
108 Paul Millsap 26
109 Martell Webster 26
110 Tim Thomas 25

Sure, Dwyane Wade missed 31 games, but his .76 dunks per game indicates that he was less than 100% this season. Thornton made plenty of noise as a rookie, but don’t sleep on Jason Smith & Julian Wright. I’d also like to see Amir Johnson & Renaldo Balkman get more minutes. Louis Williams has hops!

17+ Dunks (#111 - 148)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
111 Josh Howard 24
112 Zydrunas Ilgauskas 24
113 Hedo Turkoglu 24
114 Rashad McCants 23
115 Anthony Parker 23
116 Hilton Armstrong 22
117 Brad Miller 22
118 Mehmet Okur 22
119 Johan Petro 22
120 Trevor Ariza 21
121 Rodney Carney 21
122 Willie Green 21
123 Spencer Hawes 21
124 Rasho Nesterovic 21
125 Joe Smith 21
126 Jerry Stackhouse 21
127 Damien Wilkins 21
128 Dorell Wright 21
129 Kelenna Azubuike 20
130 Matt Barnes 20
131 David Harrison 20
132 Alonzo Mourning 20
133 Josh Powell 20
134 Vladimir Radmanovic 20
135 John Salmons 20
136 Ricky Davis 19
137 Grant Hill 19
138 Dirk Nowitzki 19
139 Brandon Roy 19
140 Channing Frye 18
141 C.J. Miles 18
142 Kirk Snyder 18
143 Brandan Wright 18
144 Stephen Jackson 17
145 Cuttino Mobley 17
146 Eduardo Najera 17
147 Thabo Sefolosha 17
148 Nick Young 17

24 dunks for Josh Howard is very disappointing. Brad Miller’s replacement (Spencer Hawes) had one less dunk in 1,584 fewer minutes. Ariza, Mourning & Wright barely played this season but still threw down a bunch of dunks. Vlad Radman had more jams than Dirk, which is simply unacceptable if I’m a Dallas fan.

10+ Dunks (#149 - 194)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
149 Tony Allen 16
150 Antonio Daniels 16
151 Baron Davis 16
152 Francisco Elson 16
153 Ryan Gomes 16
154 Udonis Haslem 16
155 Ryan Hollins 16
156 Larry Hughes 16
157 Jared Jeffries 16
158 Dikembe Mutombo 16
159 Paul Pierce 16
160 Michael Ruffin 16
161 Mike Miller 15
162 Craig Smith 15
163 Deron Williams 15
164 Carlos Delfino 14
165 Keyon Dooling 14
166 Melvin Ely 14
167 Manu Ginobili 14
168 Dominic McGuire 14
169 Theo Ratliff 14
170 Brian Skinner 14
171 Alexander Johnson 13
172 Sasha Pavlovic 13
173 Rajon Rondo 13
174 Jason Terry 13
175 Daequan Cook 12
176 Marquis Daniels 12
177 Aaron Gray 12
178 Joe Johnson 12
179 James Posey 12
180 Luke Walton 12
181 Antoine Wright 12
182 Corey Brewer 11
183 Wilson Chandler 11
184 Boris Diaw 11
185 Jordan Farmar 11
186 Mike Dunleavy Jr. 11
187 Shelden Williams 11
188 Jarvis Hayes 10
189 Antawn Jamison 10
190 Andres Nocioni 10
191 Zaza Pachulia 10
192 Chris Richard 10
193 Anderson Varejao 10
194 Shawne Williams 10

Baron & Deron are the top PGs on this list (see below). Only 16 dunks for Paul Pierce and only 14 for Ginobili? Shout out to Dominic McGuire for throwing down 4 more dunks than Jamison in 2,367 fewer minutes. Dooling, Rondo, Terry & Farmar all made the Top 10 list for players under 6-4. Shelden Williams is garbage, but I think you knew that already.

5+ Dunks (#195 - 246)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
195 Ray Allen 9
196 Ike Diogu 9
197 Joey Graham 9
198 Nene 9
199 Ronnie Price 9
200 DeShawn Stevenson 9
201 Maceo Baston 8
202 Devin Brown 8
203 Austin Croshere 8
204 Francisco Garcia 8
205 Richard Hamilton 8
206 Stephane Lasme 8
207 Ira Newble 8
208 Ruben Patterson 8
209 Chris Paul 8
210 Rodney Stuckey 8
211 Jake Voskuhl 8
212 Delonte West 8
213 Andre Brown 7
214 Jason Collins 7
215 Javaris Crittenton 7
216 Yakhouba Diawara 7
217 Devean George 7
218 Gerald Green 7
219 Devin Harris 7
220 Bobby Jones 7
221 Jamaal Magloire 7
222 D.J. Mbenga 7
223 Ronald Murray 7
224 Quentin Richardson 7
225 Earl Barron 6
226 Primoz Brezec 6
227 Jamal Crawford 6
228 Michael Finley 6
229 Mike Harris 6
230 Nenad Krstic 6
231 Chris Mihm 6
232 Mario West 6
233 Joel Anthony 5
234 Charlie Bell 5
235 Calvin Booth 5
236 Ryan Bowen 5
237 Rasual Butler 5
238 Glen Davis 5
239 Randy Foye 5
240 Adonal Foyle 5
241 Mickael Gelabale 5
242 Gordan Giricek 5
243 Anthony Johnson 5
244 Sean Marks 5
245 Oleksiy Pecherov 5
246 Peja Stojakovic 5

I witnessed this sick Croshere dunk in person, and it was the highlight of the game for me. Remember when Ruben Patterson still had a job? 8 dunks for CP3 makes him the #1 6-footer on this list. Randy Foye better step up next year or the Wolves are in trouble. Gelabale is a nice athlete who just needs more minutes.

1+ Dunk (#247 - 352)

Rank - Player - # of Dunks
247 Maurice Ager 4
248 Brent Barry 4
249 Elton Brand 4
250 Shannon Brown 4
251 Jermareo Davidson 4
252 Stephen Graham 4
253 Matt Harpring 4
254 Steven Hunter 4
255 Dahntay Jones 4
256 Dwayne Jones 4
257 Solomon Jones 4
258 Patrick O’Bryant 4
259 Nate Robinson 4
260 Luis Scola 4
261 Wally Szczerbiak 4
262 Kenny Thomas 4
263 Ime Udoka 4
264 Malik Allen 3
265 Matt Bonner 3
266 Paul Davis 3
267 Quincy Douby 3
268 Eddie Jones 3
269 Fred Jones 3
270 Ian Mahinmi 3
271 Donyell Marshall 3
272 Josh McRoberts 3
273 Kasib Powell 3
274 Zach Randolph 3
275 Michael Redd 3
276 Malik Rose 3
277 Quinton Ross 3
278 Cedric Simmons 3
279 Awvee Storey 3
280 Marcus Vinicius 3
281 Justin Williams 3
282 Aaron Williams 3
283 Arron Afflalo 2
284 Marcus Banks 2
285 Keith Bogans 2
286 Mardy Collins 2
287 Jarron Collins 2
288 Nick Fazekas 2
289 T.J. Ford 2
290 Richie Frahm 2
291 Ben Gordon 2
292 Orien Greene 2
293 Chuck Hayes 2
294 Walter Herrmann 2
295 Robert Horry 2
296 Juwan Howard 2
297 Allen Iverson 2
298 Royal Ivey 2
299 Marko Jaric 2
300 James Jones 2
301 Coby Karl 2
302 Acie Law 2
303 Smush Parker 2
304 Kareem Rush 2
305 Ramon Sessions 2
306 Darius Songaila 2
307 Kurt Thomas 2
308 Darryl Watkins 2
309 Morris Almond 1
310 James Augustine 1
311 Leandro Barbosa 1
312 Marco Belinelli 1
313 Raja Bell 1
314 Chauncey Billups 1
315 P.J. Brown 1
316 Matt Carroll 1
317 Anthony Carter 1
318 Mike Conley 1
319 Brian Cook 1
320 Jared Dudley 1
321 Chris Duhon 1
322 Raymond Felton 1
323 Kyrylo Fesenko 1
324 Marcin Gortat 1
325 Luther Head 1
326 Jarrett Jack 1
327 Luke Jackson 1
328 Casey Jacobsen 1
329 Linton Johnson 1
330 Viktor Khryapa 1
331 Tarence Kinsey 1
332 Kyle Korver 1
333 Raef LaFrentz 1
334 Kyle Lowry 1
335 Roger Mason 1
336 Jelani McCoy 1
337 Andre Miller 1
338 Randolph Morris 1
339 Demetris Nichols 1
340 Fabricio Oberto 1
341 Kosta Perovic 1
342 Morris Peterson 1
343 Gabe Pruitt 1
344 Brian Scalabrine 1
345 Mouhamed Sene 1
346 Bobby Simmons 1
347 D.J. Strawberry 1
348 Sasha Vujacic 1
349 Von Wafer 1
350 Antoine Walker 1
351 Earl Watson 1
352 Chris Webber 1
353 Lorenzen Wright 1

If you ever frown on a bench player for attempting a dunk when the game’s almost over, consider that it may be his only chance of the season. Nate Robinson & Scola have (different types of) skills, but they surprisingly only had 4 dunks a piece. Ian Mahinmi (see below), Josh McRoberts & Kasib Powell only had 3 NBA dunks a piece, but a plethora of NBDL jams. One last slam for Chris Webber (and Antoine Walker too?).

BREAK IT DOWN!

Most Dunks per Game

1. Dwight Howard 3.26
2. Amare Stoudemire 2.63
3. Andrew Bynum 2.51
4. Tyson Chandler 2.43
5. Kenyon Martin 2.11
6. Shawn Marion 2.06
7. Andre Iguodala 1.67
8. Chris Wilcox 1.66
9. Samuel Dalembert 1.65
10. Carmelo Anthony 1.60

It would be nice to have access to dunk stats for every game, because then we could see which teams (if any) were able to prevent the Man-Beast from dunking in a game (and how many 5+ dunk games he had). Bynum jumps up to 3rd using per game stats, which shows you how dominant he was before he got hurt. Chris Wilcox at #8 is somewhat surprising, but he has a lot of talent (he’d easily throw down 2 per game if he was a Warrior). Hey Carmelo: we know you can dunk no problemo, so how about some defense now?

Most Dunks by Rookies (Minutes Played)

1. Kevin Durant 87 (2769)
2. Jamario Moon 74 (2169)
3. Al Horford 68 (2538)
4. Sean Williams 61 (1280)
5. Joakim Noah 55 (1533)
6. Carl Landry 51 (709)
7. Jeff Green 50 (2251)
8. Thaddeus Young 42 (1555)
9. Yi Jianlian 40 (1650)
10. Al Thornton 35 (2164)

We expected Durant & Horford to lead the way, but Moon was a pleasant surprise, so I’m glad he got a chance to compete in the dunk contest. Williams, Noah, Young, and Yi all put up impressive dunk numbers considering their limited minutes, but look at Carl Landry! The former Purdue star had 51 jams in just 709 total minutes, or 1 every 13.9 minutes. By comparison, Tyson Chandler (#3 overall) averaged 1 dunk every 14.5 minutes! That’s a crazy stat, and there’s more on Landry below.

Most Dunks by Players Over 30 (Age)

1. Shaquille O’Neal 97 (36)
2. Kevin Garnett 84 (31)
3. Erick Dampier 72 (32)
4. Vince Carter 71 (31)
5. Marcus Camby 65 (34)
6. Ben Wallace 52 (33)
7. Bonzi Wells 46 (31)
8. Tim Duncan 43 (32)
9. Mark Blount 37 (32)
10. Antonio McDyess 33 (33)

It’s harder for old timers to get above the rim, so let’s give these veterans some props. Shaq certainly isn’t throwing it down as much as he used to, but at 36, he’s still going up strong. Bonzi with 46 dunks in limited PT is pretty solid. Blount likes to shoot jumpers, so his presence here is surprising. By NBA standards, these guys are getting old!

Most Dunks by Players Under 6-4 (Height)

1. Monta Ellis 67 (6-3)
2. Lou Williams 27 (6-2)
3. Baron Davis 16 (6-3)
4. Deron Williams 15 (6-3)
5. Keyon Dooling 14 (6-3)
6. Rajon Rondo 13 (6-1)
7. Jason Terry 13 (6-2)
8. Jordan Farmar 11 (6-2)
9. Ronnie Price 9 (6-2)
10. Chris Paul 8 (6-0)

In case you’re unaware of Monta’s amazing athletic abilities, just look at his 67 jams (more than Odom, Camby, Butler, Boozer, J-Rich, et al). Lou Williams has serious hops as well, and his minutes are only going to climb next season. Baron & Deron love to hammer it down and Dooling & Rondo have extra long arms. Jason Terry might be the most surprising name on this list. All 10 of these guys are superb athletes.

Most Dunks by a Team

1. Denver Nuggets 483
(Led by: K-Mart - 136, Carmelo - 123, Camby - 65, Kleiza - 61, JR Smith - 36)
2. Los Angeles Lakers 475
(Led by: Gasol - 104, Bynum - 88, Kobe - 80, Odom - 66, Turiaf - 49)
3. Philadelphia 76ers 452
(Led by: Iggy - 137, Dalembert - 135, Thaddeus - 42, Smith - 34, Evans - 29)
4. New Jersey Nets 416
(Led by: R-Jeff - 90, Boone - 71, Carter - 71, S. Williams - 61, Swift - 48)
5. Orlando Magic 415
(Led by: Howard - 267, Mo Evans - 73, Lewis - 27, Turkoglu - 24, Dooling - 14)

Denver knows how to run & dunk, but I guess there’s more to winning basketball than just that (see San Antonio below). Bynum & Trevor Ariza (21 dunks in 35 games) combined to miss 94 games this year, so expect the Lakers to lead the league in slam dunks (R.I.P. Chick Hearn) next season. The 76ers showed how long and athletic they are in the Pistons series, and their dunk numbers back this up. They had 8 players with 20+ dunks, and 5 of them are still under 25! The Nets have solid athletes at every position and Sean Williams is still waiting to be unleashed.

6. New Orleans Hornets 380
(Led by: Chandler - 192, West - 50, Bonzi - 46, Julian - 32, Armstrong - 22)
7. Phoenix Suns 362
(Led by: Stoudemire - 208, Shaq - 97, Hill - 19, Skinner - 14)
8. Seattle Sonics 361
(Led by: Wilcox - 103, Durant - 87, Collison - 52, Green - 50, Petro - 22)
9. Atlanta Hawks 356
(Led by: J-Smoov - 106, J-Chill - 77, Marvin - 71, Horford - 68, Johnson - 12)
10. Utah Jazz 335
(Led by: Brewer - 119, Boozer - 60, Kirilenko - 57, Millsap - 26, Okur - 22)

Julian Wright has serious dunk potential and Chandler & West have just entered their primes, so expect the Hornets to crack the top 5 soon. Surprisingly, the Suns only had 2 players with 20+ dunks, but Amare & Shaq did plenty of damage to rims around the league. Durant & Jeff Green have a lot of future dunks to throw down in Seattle (err Oklahoma City, sorry Seattle). J-Smoov is 22 and Marvin & Horford are just 21, so there’s plenty more “Highlight Factory” in Atlanta’s future.

Fewest Dunks by a Team

26. Houston Rockets 216
(Led by: Yao - 83, Landry - 51, T-Mac - 43, Mutombo - 16, G. Green - 7)
27. Los Angeles Clippers 202
(Led by: Kaman - 41, Maggette - 37, Thornton - 35, Thomas - 25, Powell - 20)
28. Indiana Pacers 195
(Led by: Murphy - 37, Granger - 28, J. O’Neal - 28, Foster - 27, Harrison - 20)
29. Minnesota Timberwolves 193
(Led by: Big Al - 95, McCants - 23, Snyder - 18, Gomes - 16, C. Smith - 15)
30. San Antonio Spurs 82
(Led by: Duncan - 43, Ginobili - 14, Finley - 6, Barry - 4, Udoka - 4, Ian - 3)

Holy smokes! I’m sure we all guessed that the Spurs would be at or near the bottom in total dunks, but did anyone think that they’d have 111 fewer dunks than everyone else? 29 individual players threw it down more times than the Spurs did as a team! Age plays a part here (11 players 30+), but San Antonio really lacks any high-flyers. They are definitely going to need a boost of athleticism in the future, which is why I expect Ian Mahinmi to get more minutes next season (3 dunks in just 23 TOTAL minutes!).

Minnesota has 9 players 25 and under, so they have no excuse for finishing 2nd to last in dunks. Quite simply, they are a below average team athletically and will struggle once again next year. Hey Pacers: When Troy Murphy (tied for 80th overall) leads your team in dunks, that’s a bad sign. The Clippers won’t be on this list next year because Elton Brand will be healthy and Thornton will be good for 50+ slams. Yao missing 27 games hurt Houston in the total dunks department, but only 3 other Rockets were in double digits. Damian called out Adelman for not giving more minutes to Carl Landry over Chuck Hayes, citing Landry’s superior size & athleticism. Well, 51 dunks for Landry compared to just 2 for Hayes backs that up LOUDLY.

I used to watch this movie all the time. It’s your classic 80’s wannabe martial arts/ cheesy love story flick, but perhaps the most unique of its kind.

For starters, the two lead actors were basically unknowns who went by single names: Taimak (Bruce Lee-Roy) & Vanity (Laura Charles). Vanity was an ex-girlfriend of Prince who would later co-star in Action Jackson with Carl Weathers. Supposedly, Prince wanted her stage/band name to be “Vagina,” but she refused and they settled on “Vanity.”

Of course, the guy who really shines in this movie is The Shogun of Harlem AKA Sho’nuff. That actor (Julius Carry) has appeared in numerous popular TV shows since then, but sadly, no major movie roles.

So I think it’s safe to say that the most successful actor with a semi-major role in The Last Dragon has been Ernie Reyes Jr. AKA the little asian kid who also starred in Red Sonja. Reyes Jr. has competed in muay tai and holds a 4th degree black belt in Taekwondo, which has enabled him to get (relatively) consistent work in some pretty solid films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, Surf Ninjas, Rush Hour 2 & The Rundown (yeah, he played that crazy rebel warrior who kicked the shit outta The Rock!) to name a few.

Don’t expect a masterpiece if you’ve never seen The Last Dragon before, but it’s a classic 80’s film that can be pretty damn funny at times. I mean, it’s worth watching just for the Chinese guys in mesh shirts playing craps and smokin herb. So here it is, in its entirety. Sho’nuff!

Part 1 (Go find the master…)

Part 2 (Bruce Lee-Roy, that’s who)

Part 3 (William H. Macy appearance)

Part 4 (Everything is safe now)

Part 5 (Yeah coolie, kiss my Converse!)

Part 6 (You don’t even have a paintbrush)

Part 7 (What good is that Kung Fu jive?)

Part 7.5 (Ain’t no slaves either)

Part 8 (I will gladly designate his ass… for dismemberment)

Part 9 (Thanks a lot Bruce)

Part 10 (Hey, my man, what it look like?)

Part 11 (Big fight. Kid tears it up!)

Part 12 (You warmed up yet?)

Part 13 (The glow…)

Part 14 (The end)

One of these days I will attempt to rate every announcer for EVERY NBA team, but for now, let’s stick with the ESPN/ABC & TNT playoff crews.

The categories are: Favorite Play-by-play Man, Favorite Color Analyst (Coach), Favorite Color Analyst (Player), Favorite Sideline Reporter (Female), Favorite Sideline Reporter (Male), Favorite Broadcast Trio, and Most Annoying.

I’m curious to hear who people prefer, so make your picks and add comments if you feel someone deserves extra recognition.
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My Picks:

Favorite Play-by-play Man = Dan Shulman & Mike Breen

None of the choices really stand out in my mind, but I like Shulman & Breen. Dan Shulman is probably better known for doing college hoops with Dick Vitale, but he calls an excellent NBA game as well. He’s very professional and rarely tries to be funny, which is usually a good thing for play-by-play men. Mike Breen has developed a nice rapport with Van Gundy & Jackson, and his voice isn’t annoying at all.

On the other hand, I have to turn the volume down every time Kevin Harlan does a game. The guy raises his voice every chance he can get, and “RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES!!!” got old a long time ago. Marv Albert & Dick Stockton bore me to death and Mike Tirico just seems like too much of a “Yes man.”

Favorite Color Analyst (Coach) = Jeff Van Gundy & Hubie Brown

Without a doubt, Jeff Van Gundy is the wittiest NBA announcer alive today. I love his sense of humor and the freedom that he speaks with. He goes off on tangents whenever he sees fit (perhaps I do too) and best of all, he’s not afraid to speak his mind. If he doesn’t agree with a player’s action, a referee’s call, a league decision, or ANYTHING really, he will say so. I also give him props for calling several Rockets games this season (remember, he coached them last year) and praising Rick Adelman left and right. Hubie Brown isn’t quite as funny, but he’s still very enjoyable to listen to. His teaching skills are legendary and you have to admire his passion for the game.

My choice for the worst former coach turned analyst goes to Doug Collins. I don’t find him funny at all, and he rarely brings up a point that I hadn’t already noticed. I guess this goes to show that you can make a career out of saying: “I remember when I coached Michael Jordan his rookie year…”

Favorite Color Analyst (Player) = Jon Barry

Jon Barry is intelligent, professional, and intelligible (the anti-Tim Hardaway). His self-deprecating humor does get old after awhile, but he’s still pretty solid. When brother Brent retires, I would love to hear them announce a game together (perhaps Drew & Scooter can be sideline reporters?).

I like Mark Jackson (especially when he says: “You’re BETTER than that!”), but I think he’d be somewhat lost as an announcer without his former coach (Van Gundy) by his side. I really can’t stand Reggie Miller anymore. His sense of humor doesn’t jive with me at all and he also seems to suffer from Sean Elliot syndrome (PLACING an emphasis on THE wrong words).

Favorite Sideline Reporter (Female) = Stephanie Ready & Cheryl Miller

I noticed Stephanie Ready last year while watching a Bobcats game. The first thing I noticed was how much respect she got (the announcers kept asking for her opinion on things, much more so than your average sideline reporter). And for good reason too! (Ready became the 1st woman to coach in men’s professional sports when she was named an NBDL assistant coach). Then I saw how damn cute she is (I remember KG giving her props in this regard as well). Her hair, makeup, and conservative dress styles are sometimes questionable, but I’ve seen how fine she can be.

I’m sure that Pam Oliver is going to get plenty of votes thanks to looks like this, but I’m going with Cheryl Miller as my #2 pick. Here’s why: she seems to elicit more honest and thorough player responses than any other sideline reporter. Miller has been around for a long time so most of the players already know her, plus I think they respect more than anyone else because of her numerous basketball accomplishments. She does her job well, which is more than I can say about her brother. Lisa Salters and Michelle Tafoya are pretty solid reporters as well, but I’m not a big fan of Holly Rowe.

Favorite Sideline Reporter (Male) = David Aldridge

I’m a big fan of Aldridge. D.A. is cool & calm (the anti-Stephen A. Smith) as well as professional & informative (the anti-Peter Vescey). That’s a winning combination. Ric Bucher is alright, but his weekly tanning salon sessions have got to stop! Yeah, I don’t know who Marty Snider is either.

Of course, Craig Sager deserves his own paragraph. On one hand, his presence is unique and he allows the players to laugh (Example #1: Nash, Example #2: Nash, Example #3: Garnett, Example #4: Baron). On the other hand, his entire career hinges on his ability to shamelessly wear silly clothing, which is a slap in the face to anyone out there putting in hard work and dedication to achieve respect in their given profession.

Favorite Broadcast Trio = Mike Breen, Jeff Van Gundy, Mark Jackson

In my opinion, ESPN/ABC’s lead trio of Breen, Van Gundy & Jackson blows TNT’s trio of Albert, Fratello & Miller out of the water. Unfortunately, it looks like the former group is going to split up next season, so enjoy it while it lasts. Van Gundy and Jackson are both being mentioned as leading head coach candidates, so one or both may not return next year. (Of course, if I included TNT’s “Inside the NBA” crew of Ernie, Kenny & Charles, they would run away with the vote, and deservingly so).

I feel bad for Mike Fratello, because I actually like the Czar of the Telestrator. But Marv Albert gets more boring every year and Reggie Miller would make it difficult for ANY broadcast team to succeed. Which brings us to…

Most Annoying = Reggie Miller

I’m going with Reggie over Sager as most annoying. And it’s not like I’m a longtime Miller-hater: in 2000, I was the only person rooting for the Pacers in a room full of Laker fans. But as a TV analyst, I can’t stand the guy. He offers little insight and analysis (which is what he’s supposedly there for), he’s not funny at all, and it’s almost painful to listen to him speak. Several NBA players retire every year, so I have a hard time believing that they can’t find a better replacement (hint hint).

I’m not voting for Craig Sager because we only have to deal with him for 5-10 minutes per game. But let’s say that someone from TNT contacted me and suggested that if Sager won my “Most Annoying” poll, they would replace him with Erin Andrews. Well then, that’s a different story entirely.

Someone working for Fleer decided that Shawn Bradley needed a basketball card that better suited his 2.29 meter (7-6, hence the #76) extra elongated frame.

So this card came out in 1994, and then Fleer went bankrupt 11 years later. I guess the masses failed to understand the creative genius and hilarity of this oversized card. Or maybe they just didn’t give a shit about this long-armed leather-slapper.

Get ready to do some scrolling…

Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 Fleer NBA Jam Session

When Bradley overheard that Fleer’s new “Jam Session” cards were going to feature only the “tallest, skinniest & whitest” guys in the league, he decided to get as long as possible for a poster of his own. (Note: his shorts end at the bottom of the frame, but his legs extend another 5 feet).

I hope you cringed when I said “leather-slapper,” because normally I would never utter such a phrase. (Or maybe I will now as an inside joke: “Josh Smith is a top-notch leather-slapper, so don’t let him fall past the 2nd round”). That’s cool if the guy didn’t want to say shot-blocker, but leather-slapper? How about roundball-rejector or swat-master? Freakishly-long-Mormon-eraser?

As for the “athletic” part, I think we need some video verification. So let’s watch some highlights of Mr. Bradley… getting dunked on (always fun). I found two versions of this video online: one is set to “O.P.P.” by Naughty by Nature, but I’m going with the Turkish Funk version.

Top 10 Dunks on Shawn Bradley

If you like this music, lemme know and I’ll lead you to Egon’s “Turkish Funk” mix that Stones Throw records released awhile back (seriously, it’s got some of the most funky-chill music I’ve ever heard and is fantastic background work music).

My favorite is Robert Pack at #5. Y’all remember how badass Pack-Man was?

Assuming that an unlimited amount of dips and sandwich fixings are also available on this island, here are 10 of my current favorite chips.

This list is supposed to be for chips only, so no crackers, crisps, pretzels, puffs (Cheeto’s), booty (Pirate’s) rinds (Pork), or any other type of snack food has been considered. However, I’ve given myself ONE exception to the rule, but for good reason (you’ll see). I’ve also limited this list to just one flavor per brand to keep things interesting.

Let it be known, I love chips! I have fasted a couple of times, and realized that CHIPS are what I miss more than anything. So here you go. I dare you to get thru all 10 without feeling the urge to pop a few…

#10. Tostitos “Hint of Lime” Tortilla Chips

Selecting a tortilla chip was my toughest decision because it’s hard for packaged counterparts to compare with the real thing: warm, freshly made tortilla chips. I don’t even buy “Hint of Lime” chips very often, but they’re hard for me to resist when they’re in the general vicinity.

The problem with these Tostitos is that they break rather easily, so you have to be gentle with the bag and take extra precaution when dipping. However, I’m giving them the nod for their unique flavor. Of course, if you despise the taste of lime and you bite into one of these thinking it’s an ordinary tortilla chip, you’re in for a rude awakening.

Honorable Mention: I’ll take locally made tortilla chips over Doritos any day.

Recommended Dip: You’ve gotta have salsa with tortilla chips.

#9. Trader Joe’s “Spicy Black Bean” Chips

It sounds like these Trader Joe’s gems are no longer available, because I just read a bunch of complaints about their disappearance. I haven’t been to TJ’s in awhile, but I used to buy these grindies all the time.

Using beans makes these chips extra hearty and unique, and there’s a nice spicy kick that lingers for a bit.

Honorable Mention: How about the same chips from the same manufacturer? That’s right. I found the comment below on this page:

“Hi Folks- My company was the manufacturer for the TJ’s Bean chips for over 12 years. First off, I would like to personally thank everyone for purchasing our products. I would also like to thank TJ’s for being such a great company. I wish all my customers were of this caliber. We manufacture our products under the ‘El Rancho’ label. They are El Rancho Black Bean and Garlic Chips and El Rancho Black Bean and Jalapeno Chips.”

So supposedly, you can buy the Bean chips here, but I’ve yet to order from them. Let me know if you do.

Recommended Dip: Eat these with some good guacamole and you’re set.

#8. Calbee “Shrimp Flavored” Chips

I mentioned these chips before, and that’s what gave me the idea to do a Top 10 chip list. Here’s what I said about these addictive sticks:

“Unless you automatically hate the shrimp flavor of the chips, you’ll find yourself stuffing them into your mouth just for the light, crispy crunch. The initial crunch is LOUD but the chips just melt in your mouth oh so nicely.”

Honorable Mention: Calbee also makes a “Wasabi” version of their shrimp chips if you’re into that (don’t worry, they’re not as intense as those wasabi peas, which are a bit too much for me). There is also a “Hot Garlic” version, but I do NOT recommend those (too salty).

#7. Flavor Destinations “Sweet Maui Onion” Potato Chips

I haven’t had these kettle style chips in awhile, but they’re a longtime favorite. The chips are solid & crunchy like all potato chips should be, and the sweet onion flavor is just right without being too overpowering.

It will also be really hard for me (and others I imagine) to jump ship (canoe) to another brand’s “sweet maui onion” chip, because I have such a strong association with their label.

The pure blue water, the paddling Polynesians having fun, and the warm background just make for a great label that I’ve enjoyed since I was a kid.

Honorable Mention: The same company’s Original kettle style chips, with the almost-as-cool hula dancers label.

#6. Tim’s Cascade Style “Jalapeno” Potato Chips

Tim’s makes quality potato chips, and their Jalapeno flavor is excellent. Stay away if you can’t handle spicy foods, because these things pack a punch! It’s tough to beat a grindy sandwich and jalapeno chips for lunch.

[PLEASE NOTE: People who eat their entire sandwich first before touching any of their chips (or vice versa) piss me off! The two go hand in hand. Your consumption process should go something like this: sandwich bite, chew chew chew, chip, chip, chew chew, sandwich bite, chew chew, chip, chew chew, chip, small bite, chew chew, water. Repeat 3 times, DONE. This applies to burgers and fries as well. So if you attempt to pull a stunt like this in front of me, expect an evil glare back atcha].

Honorable Mention: The “spicy potato chip” genre is extremely competitive. Another favorite of mine is “Jalapeno Heat” by Dirty. Friends have also made recommendations that I need to try. Marshall (who I’ve seen make gigantic sandwiches for just a snack) enjoyed these Habanero chips, but said that an entire bag was a bit much. Howard (who is one of the few people who have downright impressed me with his eating skills) says that his all-time favorites are jalapeno chips with a gator on the label, but he doesn’t remember the brand and couldn’t find a picture online.

#5. Flat Earth “Wild Berry Patch” Fruit Crisps

Here’s my one exception to the chips-only rule. These fruit crisps taste great, and I really like the story behind the brand:

“When a small group of passionate women at Frito-Lay challenged beliefs that ‘tasty snacks are bad for you’ and ‘nutritious snacks are boring,’ they decided to create the Flat Earth brand … a constant reminder that beliefs can indeed change.”

The intriguing blend of rice, potatoes, apples & berries is downright magical and they pack 1/2 serving of real fruit in every ounce! Give them a taste and you’ll understand why I consider these “chips” to be so groundbreaking.

Honorable Mention: I didn’t think their Apple Cinnamon flavor was as good, but they also have a Tangy Tomato Ranch flavor, with 1/2 serving of real veggies per ounce.

#4. Regenie’s “Multi Grain Plus” Pita Chips

These are not your ordinary pita chips! I expect anything called “multi grain plus” to taste rather healthy (whatever that means), but these chips are like DEEP FRIED GOODNESS. What I like most about pita chips in general is how thick and crunchy they are (texture), but few have the taste to match.

These do, PLUS they’re made with flaxseed & linseed and are packed with Omega-3’s, protein & fiber! You can eat them alone or with just about anything. When you consider the taste, versatility & healthy ingredients packed in these chips, they come close to a “must-have at all times” item.

Honorable Mention: The Multi Grain chips can be found at Sam’s Club (thanks mom!), but I’m eager to try more flavors from this company. Cinnamon maple sugar? Mmmmm grindy.

#3. Kettle “Island Jerk” Krinkle Cut Chips

In my mind, Kettle Brand chips are the best on the market. They use high-quality ingredients and are pushing the boundaries of flavor (my mouth is watering just thinking about them). My favorite of all is their “Island Jerk” flavor AKA Jammin’ Jamaican Spice.

The People’s Choice III award-winner is jam packed with a festival of flavors: chili pepper, black pepper, cinnamon, allspice, cumin, thyme & more. The result is a slightly spicy crunch that excites your taste buds beyond belief.

Honorable Mention: Their Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper, Buffalo Bleu, Sea Salt & Vinegar, and Tuscan Three Cheese flavors are all excellent as well. I was disappointed with their Spicy Thai chips and Lightly Salted bakes, but look forward to trying Death Valley Chipotle.

Recommended Dip: The “Krinkle Cut” style chips are perfect for dipping in anything, but go especially well with hummus.

#2. Terra “Original” Exotic Vegetable Chips

Terra chips are probably my 2nd favorite brand after Kettle. The variety of exotic root vegetables that they use is outstanding, which is why I like the “Original” flavor so much. You get a seasonal mix of taro (my favorite), yuca, parsnip, batata & sweet potato, and they blend together to achieve a harmonious balance.

Seriously, keep these chips away from me! They are light & flavorful enough to eat on their own, which means I usually keep munching and munching away until I’ve eaten at least four “normal” size servings.

Honorable Mention: The “Terra Blues” potato chips are worth mentioning because they’re JetBlue’s official snack, and a damn fine one at that. I really want to try their “Spiced Taro” chips, which are made with lemongrass, ginger, coriander, Thai chilies, garlic & lime leaves. All companies should dare to be this creative!

#1. Fritos “Scoops!” Corn Chips

Fritos corn chips have stood the test of time. Despite my mom packing them in my lunch at least 1/3 of the time growing up, I’m still not sick of them (unlike Lays, Ruffles & Doritos), and I doubt I ever will be. Extra salty, a little greasy, and simply mad corn flavor.

[History: The Frito Corporation was started in 1932 when Elmer Doolin paid $100 for a corn chip recipe that he tasted and thought would change the world (it did). Original Fritos ingredients were limited to whole corn, corn oil & salt, and remain a vegan snack today].

If you’ve had Fritos Scoops! before, then I don’t think I need to tell you why they are superior to the Originals. Simply put, when it comes to dipping, these chips are the best in the business. What other snack foods can also be used as edible spoons?!?

Honorable Mention: We’ve got to give the Originals a shout out, because they started the corn chip legacy.

Recommended Dip: Cottage cheese with a healthy squirt of Sriracha cock sauce! This combo really allows these chips to shine. Massive amounts of cottage cheese can be scooped up with ease and the red rooster’s chili flavor is perfectly balanced out by the strong & steady corn flavor. This easy & flavorful super-snack fills you up well and gives you a strong protein boost while being relatively low in saturated fat. It’s also the perfect example why Fritos Scoops! are my #1 chip.

I remember when I first heard J-Live.

It was a sunny day in 1999 and my buddy Tyler hooked me up with an album that had just been leaked on the internet. That album was The Best Part, and it rocked my world. Unfortunately for J, the album was shelved several times due to numerous record problems, so his classic debut wasn’t officially released until 2001.

But J-Live (born Jean-Jacques Cadet) had proven his creative and versatile skills on the mic, and I (and many others worldwide) have been paying attention ever since.

Below are 5 of my favorite J-Live songs. If you haven’t heard them before, you’re in for a treat. (FYI- I’m using a new music player now. Click play to hear the song and if you want to download, just right-click the song title and save).

After the songs, I’ll bring you up to date with info on his upcoming album and various thoughts on his last full length release (including a bonus album to download for free!).

If you can “utilize your ears’ function as a garbage filter,” I think you’ll hear why J-Live is one of my fav 5 emcees.

J-Live - Epilogue
Download audio file (epilogue.mp3)

When Tyler handed me The Best Part, he was a little bummed because the last song got cut off. It didn’t matter at the time because the rest of the album was pure genius, but when I finally heard J’s “Epilogue,” I realized what I had been missing. Quite simply, when his career is “all said and done,” this track will be a beautiful testament to J-Live’s legacy.

“What does it take, to be a great, MC?”

If you ask me, it’s much more than Mastering Ceremonies
Because a lot of Masquerading Cornballs
Don’t realize it also means Mad Creativity
In this day and age of mediocrity
There’s two types of rappers that you’ll recognize and hear
But I prefer the ones with the lyrics of the year
Than the gimmick with the gear and the right puppeteer

Now you could be the next Rakim Shakespeare
You’re STILL 10 steps away from having a career
You step up the plate to earn respect from your peers
And end up on deck for the remainder of your years
I suppose this means greatness takes blood, sweat, and tears
It also takes an industry that doesn’t breed fear
Or pumping all this mindless crap up in your ears
And limiting the contrast of what you get to hear
You got to recognize it’s a determined idea
A righteous young mind is a devil’s worst fear

But when you wanna give the people peace and satisfaction
Everybody’s mama wants a piece of the action
So now I fall victim to supply and demand
Immaculate conceptions, born illegitimate
Destined to be the greatest story ever missed
Which means its meant to be for whoever’s hearing this

[CHORUS]
When it’s all said and done it should be heard and seen
‘Till this cold-hearted game forces us to change teams
While the lust for the loot spreads out like gangrene
So the haves chase their tails while the nots chase their dreams
As the years chase the days, past the futures, meet fate
Like your firstborn, waiting for pop’s release date
Postpone, meanwhile, I accumulate means
To revise and renew what was just heard and seen

It’s been stated that I rhyme like God and I build like a poet
One hand wash the other like Lady Macbeth
Flip styles like Bela Karolyi
Warm hearted, cold blooded
I write like opposite left
I left opposites right where they left off
My rights left right-wing as left to right beside me
Left my right hand man ’cause he left what’s right
And I reserve the right to write ’till I’m free
‘Cause I free styles with my pen,
That y’all couldn’t if you freestyled all day long

Literally, this literature designed for one orator
Stays on the head
Emcee’s emcee, that I be the emcee’s emcee
‘Cause I am saying what I am thinking
Except when my mind’s blanking
My eyes open even when my eyes blinking
I’s a socializer, but more so with those wiser
Ask yourself why’s the
music so misused it’s self-contained
And not-self sustained
I myself contemplate this ’till I make myself complain
Shall my raps stay maintained, wrapped in cellophane
‘Till they’re unwrapped by human consumers?
Emphatically no, so I rap wherever I go
And let it grow up in your brain like a tumor

[CHORUS]

Aiyyo, y’all really think ya know me well?
There’s more to me than ya mind got room for
And much much more than a clever verse or two
That’s all you know about me, you ain’t even knowing that
You think I give a fuck whether or not my record sells?
You’re damn right but you see that ain’t the way I’m keeping score
If one million people said it, does that make it true?
You judge my music by whether or not my pocket’s fat
Well, fuck you and the cash cow you’re milking
It ain’t yours but the job pays well, don’t it?
And if you’re lucky you can even get to taste a drop
We’ll see who’s happy when you’re old but you’re not grown
You see me, now? yeah, you’ll see me later too
Fucking you up when the vantage point change, don’t it?
I know what’s hip, but you determine if it’s hop or pop
You’re just a man without a voice, pass the microphone
I know the diff between written rhymes and freestyles
You see, for me, it’s like having sex or making love
And you should know by now I’m married to the pad and pen
But I’m entitled to cheat on her every now and then

Will your children know their hip-hop history?
Will the songs you hate be shrouded in mystery?
Don’t step to me with your stats and your date smarts
You know your neighborhood by street signs or landmarks?
I’m not talking ’bout the first record ever made
I’m talking ’bout the first one that ever made YOU
The first records that I played never played me
And I can still play ‘em today ’cause they stay true
You know this time I’m only speaking on the timeless
It makes sense now and then, yeah, now and then
‘Cause right now it’s making picture perfect sense and then
It’s making picture perfect sense like it did now
‘Cause right now it’s making picture perfect sense and then
It’s making picture perfect sense like it did now

[CHORUS x3]

J-Live - Them That’s Not
Download audio file (them_thats_not.mp3)

“Once upon a time there was a brotha named Kastro…” (A Rags to Rap to Riches story)

J-Live - School’s In
Download audio file (schools_in.mp3)

Every time I hear this song, I’m like . In case you’re questioning J’s teaching skills…

Welcome, to the voice response registration system
of True School University
Representing universally
You have added
Hip-Hop Ethics
One-Two-Zero
For those that don’t know…
School’s in

Who got the nerve ta
write a jam that you can swerve ta
Over tracks so fat, the nickname Big Bertha
It’s probably the kid that half the crews have never hearda
Whose mind travels further
than sex, drugs, and murder
So when you play the role of the timeless inserter
I’m sorry if you’re 85 and you would have preferred a
album full of ignorance
the place is an experience
Before the reasons why
for the sake of sounding fly, but I
grade your style without the curve
Cause you don’t deserve to
receive the grade that might let you build up the nerve to
bite the rhyme that feeds you
I need you to listen
My words are wet with crystal-clear wisdom so they glisten
and I fill in the blanks for all the answers that you’re missing
I’m rolling with the mongoose, cause snakes is steady hissin’
To expose my flaws like salt in sores
since they cannot be reformed I simply kill ‘em by the fours
So in other words, nah man, skip the explanation
see that what the rewind’s for, so be patient
Cause this is the direction that my pen should be draggin’
to transform your dollar cabs into bandwagons

J-Live with the mic is like a chef with a blade
No doubt
Man I cut ya like lumber
(x 2)

You see somewhere in between the old school and the new school
A master of the next school
came to teach the now school
Cause business class was steady playing old tricks on new fools
so everybody rocks jewels, but can’t nobody drop jewels
One-track-minded, blinded, thinking only pop’s cool
supply & demand rules, replaced by A&R rules
A scholar of the next school
he wasn’t trying to hear that
So principals and teachers abroad began to fear that
“If this guy makes an impact on the students that we play,
they’ll end up having way too much control over their grades!”
See grades will equal status for power, so just like college
You’re so caught up in letter grades, you skip the ‘F’ing knowledge!

See that’s how music power shifts from listener to maker
and that’s why music maker shifts from listener to faker
So when the listener graduates to be an artist
they still enslaved by the principles because they’re heartless
First they make you imitate another man’s skill
now you use your power for another man’s will
Move the crowd’s mental when they tell you sit still
move the crowd’s pockets instead to get the bread
Yeah that’s what the students gather from what the principal said
they make you think the world bleeds green instead of red
But class is in session now so all that stuff is dead
I’m coming through with knowledge and wisdom to fill your head

J-Live with the mic is like a chef with a blade
No doubt
Man I cut ya like lumber
(x3)

“Now wait a minute, what the hell does chopping trees have to do with culinary?”
That’s the spirit kid, analyze the lyric
from the moment that you hear it, see, cause most don’t have the skill to
Utilize their ears’ function as a garbage filter
So their brain gets clogged and congested
by the time and the effort that’s invested in illusion
And by the time’s definition of reality
by the time you get the facts, they’re outnumbered in confusion
So I come, to get shit off my chest and up in you
and I come, to make you feel at home with your power
and I come, to plant seeds of responsibility
Cause I come, harder than a sleepless cold shower
Refining and refreshing
Reprimanding those who claim they’re representing
by demanding, clarity
Cause when a mouthful don’t equal an eyeful, an earful sound awful
at least that’s how it seems to me
So I lead by example in my sound-proof room
and the comp gets trampled on my wack-proof stage
and my answers be ample in the packed classroom
Cause my thoughts are reflected on an ink-filled page!

J-Live with the mic is like a chef with a blade
No doubt
Man I cut ya like lumber
(x4)

J-Live - Satisfied?
Download audio file (satisfied.mp3)

“Throw your fists up if you’re not satisfied!”

J-Live - 9000 Miles
Download audio file (9000_miles.mp3)

Yeah, this is my joint! 9000 Miles is one of my Top 10 songs of ALL-TIME. If you’re reading this J-Live, you’ve GOT to make a video for this song!!! Need someone to swim thru each of the oceans? Consider it done. Need someone to hock a loogie and hit an ant from 30 feet away? No problemo. This song is incredible and it deserves a killer video to preserve it’s spot in the annals of hip-hop.

(STROKE) x7
(STROKE)
(STROKE)
(STROKE)
(STROKE)

My mind speaks mathematics
Sometimes I feel english is a poor translation of my heart’s palpitations
That’s why I give it to you quarter notes at a time
So that my rhymes are aided by body gyrations
But now it’s like each hymn ain’t nothin but a word with
countless synonyms, where should I begin with ‘em?
Every sentence is a jail bid lockin’ me in
to bars of meaning with so much space between ‘em
And it’s so real, if I took a little bit of time
to reflect on the unreal my brain might peel
off my mind to reveal this, pegasus spring well
wholesale fairy tale echo in a conch shell
But why say it if you can’t see it?
I can call it abstract and say take what you want from it
I can do that all day ’till my tongue goes numb from it
But see what good would come from it?
I got somethin’ to say, I can’t run from it
I gotta confront it, I can’t watch while this
music that taught me so much as a child
Grows louder every day but the world grows dumb from it
So every line that I draw from my pen
That shapes a letter, that makes a word, that feeds a verse
is a swim for home, a place with infinite styles
But it feels like 9000 miles
So I…

[CHORUS]
(STROKE), through the Atlantic
(STROKE), through the Pacific
(STROKE), through the Indian
(STROKE), through the Arctic
(STROKE), through the cold current
(STROKE), through the warm current
(STROKE), through the fair and the foul, for 9000 miles
(STROKE), like you swimmin’ from the sharks and the slave ships
(STROKE), from the suicide jump to a brave trip
(STROKE), like you see the shoreline in the distance
(STROKE), like if you don’t, you’ll drown any instant
(STROKE)

So here we are again
The same space and mind, but now we in
A different place at a different time
A different taste to a different rhyme
with so many flavors to embrace, I can’t waste a line
So I’m, going for self with no hesitation
cuz my, self-expression is my self-preservation
My skills pay bills to fulfill my will, to do for others what I do for myself
Like motivation thru verses if it was a virtual conversation
All the pros and the cons of a real situation
Inspired by my knowledge of self, determination
To ease the frustrations of mis-education
That’s wise God music from I takin your eye
From trials and tribulations to kingdom and the patience
That’s why heart’s path is beaten by beats made from good vibrations
Passed down for generations
On a…

[CHORUS]

I get hype, I get home at night
I get a beat in my head, I get my book to write
I get writer’s block, I get so stressed that I
get dope rhymes from it just to get rest
I get frustrated from this whole world mess
So when I, got to get the bad air out my chest
I get on the mic and strive to be the best
but it’s not just to flow, there’s more to the test
I gotta spit like there’s no time to waste
Spit like I can’t take away this life taste
Spit for rebellion, spit for resistance
Spit for accuracy, spit for distance
I can’t just spit that shit you can market
Even though I know we got the same target
And I can’t just spit that old rhetoric
I gotta spit what’s ten steps ahead of it
I gotta spit for the life of my kids
and not just the next meal from my next deal
I feel like these rhymes could shape tomorrow
so they can walk thru it with a little less sorrow
I gotta spit out the mouthpiece protection
and stick and move these lines to perfection
I gotta spit shit no one ever thought of
Spit like I’ma choke on the saltwater
When I…

[CHORUS]

J-Live: 2005-Present

Musically, J-Live is a triple threat: skilled as an MC, DJ, and producer. However, in 2005, his production skills were questioned after the release of The Hear After, an album that he produced half the tracks for. Since J is always on point lyrically and The Best Part was such a classic (in part thanks to the excellent beats by Prince Paul, DJ Premier, Pete Rock, DJ Spinna, 88 Keys, etc.), fans have come to expect albums that are nothing short of spectacular. In this respect, The Hear After fell short. It was still better than your average hip-hop album, but it did not live up to most people’s expectations (for Professor Live at least). In fact, it fell out of my rotation and I had almost forgotten about it until…

I recently came across J-Live Digs Deeper - After the Hearing, a mashup album blending J’s vocals from The Here After with beats from other artists. It blew me away the first time I listened to it, as I was reminded why J-Live is one of my favorite emcees (nay, MUSICIANS and POETS) of all time. I searched for more info, and found out that the man responsible is some dude who goes by PhreshCut. Here is his myspace page.

The guy has been creating new musical blends/ mashups every month since 2005, and he releases all of them for free as “the goodwill projects.” Which means if you look around his site, you’ll find a PLETHORA of good music to download. (PhreshCut is going to keep me busy for awhile, and I’m sure I’ll mention him again on my site).

J-Live - After the Hearing mashup album Click Here to Download

If you enjoyed and appreciated the 5 songs that I posted, I highly suggest clicking on the above link. PhreshCut has breathed new life into J-Live’s stellar lyrics and the result is a near masterpiece. Some of the highlights?

-J observing the code of the streets from the “Sidewalks” over a funky RZA beat
-J & Kola Rock’s ode to “Listening” over Talib Kweli’s “Listen” (prod. by Kwame)
-J painting a picture of the “Brooklyn Public” school system over “We as Americans”
-J spittin “Whoever” over Deltron 3030’s “Things You Can Do” (prod. by Dan the Automator)
-J describing in “Audio Visual” terms over Blockhead’s chill “Cherry Picker” beat
-J contemplating on “After” over Sade’s “Color of Love” (no joke, this song kicks ass!)

But before we dismiss the original beats from The Here After, I think we need to hear from the man himself. In this excellent recent interview, J-Live explains why the production on his last album was rather lackluster:

“The thing that people don’t realize is, that [on] The Here After, we only sampled from Rykor’s catalogue cuz they said they couldn’t afford any sample issues. It was an interesting experiment, very worth the effort, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t go back to 70s soul or Jazz and Funk, so every producer on the record had their hands tied behind their back, including myself. It was apparent in the end product.”

So there you go. I don’t want to hear anyone dissing J-Live anymore, because he has a new full-length album dropping next month, and I’m extremely excited.

His new album is called Then What Happened? and as you can see, the cover shows J knocked out with his glasses broken. He knows that people were disappointed with his last full-length album, so here is his response.

“Musically this is me getting off the ground.”

“I didn’t do any beats on this one,” says J, who is famously known for being able to scratch records and rhyme at the same time. “I’m not trying to have a beat on the album for the sake of having a beat. I got Jazzy Jeff, Evil Dee, Oddisee, Floyd The Locsmif, DJ Spinna, Nicolay and DJ Numark from Jurassic Five.” Guest rappers include Plug One AKA Posdnuos from De La Soul and Chali 2Na from Jurassic 5, which further piques my interest.

Then What Happened? drops on May 27th, so circle your calendars. I have a feeling this one’s gonna be a CLASSIC.

There’s no doubt about it. J-Live is one of my 5 favorite emcees, and I pity da fool who doesn’t agree!

PEACE.

Carl Sandburg (1878-1967)

I mentioned Sandburg in last month’s grindy, and after doing so, checked out one of his books at the library. I knew the guy could write, but now I’m a huge fan. His poetry is extremely effective: he has a way of making children and adults alike think, feel, and take notice. Sandburg also gets bonus points for being one of Marilyn Monroe’s fondest friends (see below).

Who Am I? (Elusive Truth)

My head knocks against the stars.
My feet are on the hilltops.
My fingertips are in the valleys and shores of universal life.
Down in the sounding foam of primal things I
reach my hands and play with pebbles of destiny.
I have been to hell and back many times.
I know all about heaven, for I have talked with God.
I dabble in the blood and guts of the terrible.
I know the passionate seizure of beauty
And the marvelous rebellion of man at all signs reading “Keep Off.”
My name is Truth and I am the most elusive captive in the universe.

Is Wisdom a Lot of Language? (Failure to Communicate)

Apes, may I speak to you a moment?
Chimpanzees, come hither for words.
Orangoutangs, let’s get into a huddle.
Baboons, lemme whisper in your ears.
Gorillas, do you hear me hollerin’ to you?
And monkeys! monkeys! get this chatter–

For a long time men have plucked letters
Out of the air and shaped syllables.
And out of the syllables came words
And from the words came came phrases, clauses.
Sentences were born–and languages.
(The Tower of Babel didn’t work out–
it came down quicker than it went up.)

Misunderstandings followed the languages,
Arguments, epithets, maledictions, curses,
Gossip, backbiting, the buzz of the bazoo,
Chit chat, blah blah, talk just to be talking,
Monologues of members telling other members
How good they are now and were yesterday,
Conversations missing the point,
Dialogues seldom as beautiful as soliloquies,
Seldom as fine as a man alone, a woman by herself
Telling a clock, “I’m a plain damn fool.”

Read the dictionary from A to Izzard today.
Get a vocabulary. Brush up on your diction.
See whether wisdom is just a lot of language.

Carl Sandburg & Marilyn Monroe (Drinking, laughing, stretching, dancing)

Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867)

Baudelaire was an influential French poet who received much criticism for his “scandalous” subject matter (lesbianism, corruption, etc.). He was convicted of offenses against religion and public morality, and once stated that, “men and women know from birth that all pleasure lies in evil.” So you know I’ve gotta like the guy, and the poem below is one of my favorites.

Get Drunk! (Exhilaration)

One should always be drunk.
That’s all that matters; that’s our one imperative need.
So as not to feel time’s horrible burden
that breaks your shoulders and bows you down,
you must get drunk without ceasing.

But with what?
With wine, poetry, or virtue,
as you choose.
But get drunk.

And if, at some time, on steps of a palace,
in the green grass of a ditch,
in the bleak solitude of your room,
you are waking and the drunkenness has already abated,
ask the wind, the wave, the stars, the clock,
all that which flees,
all that which groans,
all that which rolls,
all that which sings,
all that which speaks,
ask them, what time it is;
and the wind, the wave, the stars, the birds, and the clock,
they will all reply:

“It is time to get drunk!
So that you may not be the martyred slaves of time, get drunk.
Get drunk, and never pause for rest!
With wine, poetry, or virtue, as you choose!”

Charles Bukowski (1920–1994)

Some people like to dismiss Bukowski for various superficial reasons, but I chose him as my “Speak no Evil Metal Monkey” because he’s one of the most important writers of the 20th century. He can be vulgar, but at his core, Bukowski was true, loving, prolific, and a damn good writer. Here are a few of my favorites…

The Best Love Poem I Can Write at the Moment (What is complete love?)

(Time for my shouts outs to some people I’ve enjoyed discussing Bukowski with: Robin, Raff, Fumiko, JR, Eve & Marshall. If any of you read this, please share a Bukowski favorite of yours).

Bluebird (Toughness)

There’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see you.

There’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that he’s
in there.

There’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess me up?
you want to screw up the works?
you want to blow my book sales in Europe?

There’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be sad.

Then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little in there
I haven’t quite let him die
and we sleep together like that
with our secret pact
and it’s nice enough to make a man weep
but I don’t weep,
do you?

Dinosauria, We (Born into this)

Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792-1822)

Like many great poets of the past, Shelley died at a young age. Less than a month before his 30th b-day, he “drowned” while sailing in a sudden storm. Many believe that he was murdered for political reasons. Shelley was frequently censured due to his radical views and had been shot at just days before “drowning.” As you can see in the poem below, he was an advocate for social justice and he didn’t pull any punches.

England In 1819 (This oppression will not stand, man)

An old, mad, blind, despised, and dying king

Princes, the dregs of their dull race, who flow

Through public scorn, mud from a muddy spring

Rulers who neither see, nor feel, nor know

But leech-like to their fainting country cling

Till they drop, blind in blood, without a blow

A people starved and stabbed in the untilled field

An army, which liberticide and prey

Makes as a two-edged sword to all who wield

Golden and sanguine laws which tempt and slay

Religion Christless, Godless… a book sealed

A Senate: Time’s worst statute unrepealed

Are graves, from which a glorious Phantom may

Burst to illumine our tempestous day.

Manuel Gutiérrez Nájera (1859-1895)

The first stanza of the poem below was recited in the film Before Night Falls (2000: Javier Bardem, Johnny Depp, Julian Schnabel). I remember going “Whoa!” and then rewinding to write it down on a piece of paper. The English version that I have chosen (first stanza from the movie, the rest from a google book search) is not an exact translation of Najera’s original, but instead was altered to look and sound more poetic.

I find this poem (the first part especially) to be quite beautiful, but I also believe it’s difficult to fully appreciate poetry that was originally written in your non-native language. Think about how many written works (in every language imaginable) have been (at least partially) butchered due to a poor translation of one line, or even just one WORD. So while I think this English translation is great, I’ve included the original as well.

For Then (Death)

I want to die at the end of the day
in the high seas
with my face towards the sky
when it seems like agony is just a dream
and the soul, a bird ascending in flight

Let there be no sad tears as I draw my last breath,
At one and alone with the sky and the sea,
No sobbing, nor prayer, nor laments of death
I only would hear the deep waves cover me

To die when the bright glow of twilight is fading,
and catches the waves in its last net of light
to be like that sun as its luminous shading
expires and is lost in the arms of the night

To die, and die young, before time has destroyed
the delicate fabric illusion has spun
when life can still say: “I am yours” but the void
Of a final echo tells us death has won!

Para Entonces

Quiero morir cuando decline el día,
en alta mar y con la cara al cielo,
donde parezca sueño la agonía
y el alma un ave que remonta el vuelo.

No escuchar en los últimos instantes,
ya con el cielo y con el mar a solas,
más voces ni plegarias sollozantes
que el majestuoso tumbo de las olas.

Morir cuando la luz retira
sus áureas redes de la onda verde,
y ser como ese sol que lento expira;
algo muy luminoso que se pierde.

Morir, y joven; antes que destruya
el tiempo aleve la gentil corona,
cuando la vida dice aún: “Soy tuya,”
aunque sepamos bien que nos traiciona.

This year’s playoffs are shaping up to be one of the most exciting of all-time.

I hope y’all are strapped in and ready to go!

OK, I’ve changed this post and will simply update the photo (along w/ video in sidebar) as the playoffs go on and add my comments whenever I see fit. So feel free to comment on anything and everything in regards to the Playoffs.